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Samhain 2007

Samhain 2007

The air is cool, then colder. But faces are warm, and smiling, and welcoming. So long it has been since I’ve been to a group rite, last Ostara, if I remember correctly. My memory digs back. I used to go to many rites. This one is at Blacklick Metropark; I did my Dedicant’s Oath here on Beltaine once; memories, as well as guilt floods me. So long ago that was, and still, I have not finished…

But tonight, it matters not, I am here now. Tonight it is the New Year, and I am calling upon inspiration for the Rite.

I call upon Awen, our muse;
Fill our hearts, minds, and souls with inspiration,
So that our worship may be true and certain.
Fill us with your light-
So that our prayer may be blessed and touched with your wisdom

For some reason, the Rite seems to flow more quickly than I remember them being the past, or perhaps my soul is sucking up the energy because it is simply so thirsty for it. I needed tonight. I was ready for it.

My praise offerings….journals, upon journals…upon journals. About a decades worth, or so. Most of them full, but not all. This was my praise offering for tonight, for my Shining Ones who have carried me when I could not carry myself, for my Natures Spirits who loved me when I could not love myself, and for my Grove, who has stood by me, even when I feel I have not always stood by them. It has taken me years to realize who and what I want to be, and I don’t want that to be tainted by my past. So I am willing to give it up, to let it go, for something better.

I also put something in the Ancestor box this time, which I’ve never done before… (Our grove has a box where we all keep mementos of our ancestors)
It was a small CF pin of my dads. (CF is the trucking company he used to work for) See, my dad killed himself when I was 9, and for that matter, he killed himself while he was on the phone with my mom. And even before that, he was very abusive and mean with her, not with me, he was very gentle and kind and loving with me. But I saw him hit and hurt her so many times, and I could never stop it. I have spent so much time, so much energy, hating him. And not forgiving him, and not letting his spirit in my life….and finally…finally I can forgive him and let him in.

Tonight I promise myself that my dedicant’s program will get done. Tonight I promise myself that I will simply try harder.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 29th, 2007 12:47 pm (UTC)
I was so impressed with the way in which you brought yourself forward last night, it was like you shone forth in the darkness that had fallen. Your hair flamed red and your skin reflected what light there was coming off the fire. Is there a time limit on the Dedicant's Program? I have seen you working toward it so I don't think it is a terrible thing that you haven't finished yet, if you weren't working on it I'd probably be more likely to be harsh.

I love you.
Oct. 29th, 2007 05:40 pm (UTC)
I love you too hon.
Oct. 29th, 2007 01:14 pm (UTC)
And I promise to help, any way I can.
Oct. 29th, 2007 05:41 pm (UTC)
you're a good man Mike, and I'm glad I can say that, I don't know many good men these days. :)
Oct. 30th, 2007 06:59 pm (UTC)

Sometimes I remember the innocent days of freshmen year when I was shyly hoping to befriend all of you yet held back by my own uncertainty and confusion. I still remember my first impression of you and my newest one complements it beautifully. Your pretty red hair, your strong heart, your wavering voice surrendering so much pain and so much anger. I wonder if I could be that strong.

I'm here with you, Carmen.
Nov. 1st, 2007 06:22 am (UTC)
thank you.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )